Tag: death

Heartbroken

My mind and emotions are all over on this post so I hope I can make sense and also give a tribute to a very fierce and strong little fighter.

I have a good friend, you know one of those friends that you feel you can pour your soul out to.  This friend has a beautiful family.  She has a husband that is a welder and worked with my husband.  She also has two beautiful children that are similar in ages to my kids.  They love to play and just be wild together.  This beautiful friend became pregnant last year.  I was so excited for her to be a mother to another child.  She is a great mother and her kids glow with the love they are given.  It was early on in the pregnancy that problems arouse but I prayed and trusted all would be ok.  Charlotte Adella was born on February 3rd.  She was absolutely beautiful, little and pink.  Charlotte looked perfect but her heart was far from it.  This little girl had to go hurdle over hurdle from such a small age.  In fact Charlotte never left the hospital.  She lived her whole life in a hospital.  Charlotte was born with Noonan’s and had a rare heart condition she was the 11th case ever recorded in the world and never seen in this severity in a new born.  Charlotte never gave up she was fierce and tough.

When I would receive texts from her mom I loved seeing the pictures.  Charlotte had eyes that seemed to pierce my soul.  She could move mountains with those eyes.

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Myself and my family feel into a deep love with Charlotte.  We prayed for Charlotte each and everyday.  My first thoughts in the morning was how is the little princess doing and my last thought at night was Thank God she made it through another day.

Charlotte needed a new heart.  With my whole heart I believed that heart would come.  Charlotte would get the heart and her body would start to heal and she would move home with her family.  Her family had moved to the hospital a few hours away so it was months since I had seen my friend.  I missed her and my heart hurt for this horrible rollercoaster her life had become.

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About a week or so ago I was shopping with my daughter and I received a text.  Charlotte wasn’t doing well and she was going to die the next day as machines would be turned off.  I about feel to my knees.  My daughter and I just held each other and cried in the hall of the mall.  How could this be happening.  I think of the pain and the hurt I felt and I know that isn’t a fraction of what Charlotte’s family was feeling in that moment.

We attended Charlotte’s wake and funeral.  She was absolutely beautiful.  I am so sorry I had to meet her finally in that way.  I feel privileged that I got to see her, my eyes and mind will make a memory of a beautiful girl dressed in a little white gown.  I found it not fair.  I was planning on going to see my friends and finally meet their little girl just 3 days before the funeral.  Who would have thought that the road would have turned and I would be attending a funeral instead.

I think of all the wakes and funerals I attended as a child and my dad always put his arm around me and said they are in a better place now.  They lived a good long life.  This funeral last week was my son’s first funeral.  I couldn’t say those lines.  Charlotte’s didn’t have a good long life.  Her life was taken from her way to soon.

Charlotte’s parents, Dave and Nikki are some of the strongest parents I know.  This is the second child I knew that passed away from a heart defect.  My heart aches for the parents and siblings of these children.  The hurt will never go away.  I wish there was a way to make it go away but that would erase that child’s memory which you don’t want to do.  Nikki will always be the mother to 3 beautiful children.

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I love Nikki as a sister and it hurts me so much that she has to go through this hurt and loss.  I pray for comfort but that just doesn’t seem like enough.  Fly high and free sweet baby girl.  Heaven has gained an absolutely beautiful angel.

When I heard the news of Charlotte’s passing this is the song I went and listened to- it seemed appropriate and allowed the tears to freely flow.

16 Years Since We Have Talked

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This past weekend marked 16 years since my grandpa has passed.  My heart still aches for him almost daily.  I don’t know if I have ever felt such a strong connection to an individual than my grandpa.  This was a man that was gruff, he swore, drank and smoked till that nearly killed him.  He was a real man.  He was a man with convictions.  He was a man that had ever fiber of my being wrapped around his finger.  I had the privilege of living on the same street as my grandpa from 4th grade till 10th grade when we moved.  We even lived with my grandparents on two short term stints.  To walk, ride my bike to their house is an amazing gift I had as a child.  To see him driving down the street or come into the cafe for a cup of coffee when I was working was so special.  I was truly blessed to have that time with him.  He was hard on me.  He would ask how my classes are going, ask about my grades.  He was so proud of me when I attended college and then graduated with a Bachelors degree.  I will never forget the hug and I knew you could do it kid comment I got from him.

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When Chad met my grandpa I think he was in shell shock.  He didn’t know how to take his abuse.  If you knew Duane or Mickey as his friends called him he did give abuse and grief to you.  That is how you knew he accepted you.  You were one of the group and the family then.  One of my favorite memories of grandpa and Chad were right after we were married.  Chad got hurt at work and burned one hand pretty bad and he broke his finger and messed up the other hand pretty bad also.  So he was pretty much worthless with his hands for a few days.  I had invited my grandparents over to our house and I had made a ham.  I watched my grandpa grab Chad’s plate and he cut up his food.  A simple gesture but it made such a profound impact in my memories.

I remember the night of my grandpas death like yesterday.  Our phone was down and the phone company needed to come and repair the line.  I had called my parents from a pay phone that morning and alerted them we didn’t have a phone till the repair guys came.  This was before we had cell phones.  Chad and I went that day to Eau Claire, WI and did some shopping and I remember I bought a new spring jacket at Sears, of all the things to remember.  We went to bed and Chad woke me up past midnight that someone was knocking on the door.  We went to the door and there was my dad and grandma.  They had driven to Hammond WI to tell me that Grandpa died that night.  They knew my phone didn’t work and they didn’t want us to find out the next day.  My dad driving grandma over to my house is a courtesy I can never forget.  It was the saddest moment but also most touching moment in my life.  They cared enough to deliver the news in person to me after they had just lost their dad and husband.

16 years ago, I can’t believe it has been that long.  I so wish he could have met my children.  How he would have loved Greta and Henry.  How he would have loved to give them a hard time.  To see them preform in band, or school activities.  Maybe see them in a baseball/softball game.  He would have loved to see his great grand-kids because he would have been a “great” Grandfather.

I will always have the memories or my grandfathers pants hanging from the dining room chair with his service gun sitting on the table.  It was a ritual for him and one I miss seeing.

I have had several dreams with grandpa in them through the years.  They bring such comfort but also really mess with my head for days after those dreams.  They are so real, it is as if he is talking to me about a situation in my life now.  I really believe grandpa has helped me with numerous decisions in the past few years.  He visited me in a dream most recently after I accepted the job at the radio.  He told me to go for it.  He told me that I can talk crap and I can be anyone’s friend and that is what I needed to be a local voice on the radio.  I was very conflicted when I got the offer of the job and this really made my heart go in agreement with my brain.  Grandpa said go for it.  I am so glad I did because I am so happy and I hope to God he knows that!

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The Christmas Letter I didn’t get to send

Merry Christmas Grandma-

I can’t believe you have been gone for a couple months already.  It seems like it just happened but so much of life has gone on it seems like a lifetime since I have gotten to talk to you.  I have so much to tell you grandma. Some nights I just talk to you, I wonder if you hear that, I hope so.

It is Christmas week and we are all at mom’s house. It will be so different this year not having our Christmas on the 26th.  The day will seem very empty this year.  I just thought I would write out what I would love to tell you. I bought the almond gift this year, can’t let traditions die.

First off your boldness with people has rubbed off on me.  I wonder if you are holding my hand because I have done a few things since you were gone that I would have never done before.  First did you know I spoke at your funeral.  I know shy me got up in front of all your loved ones and talked about how you were one of the most amazing people I had ever met.  I got through it and felt a presence with me and I know it was you.   Last month I gave my testimony at our Thanksgiving service at church. Again something I would had never entertained before.  I believe you are with me and that comforts me.

The kids are doing so good MorMor.  Greta and Henry both had parts in the Church Christmas program this year.  They did such a good job. Greta has such a heart for the Lord and it shows so much.  It makes my heart so happy.  Henry earned his orange belt in taekwondo , and he is doing math in his head.  Such a smart little boy, your prince Henry.

I am knitting and writing in the evenings.  I need to find something to do that takes up the time from us talking.  I miss our nights so much grandma.  I miss our talks, I miss our cry’s.  I need to talk to you about so many things.  I would love to talk recipes again. I would love to hear the newest love triangles of the nurses at the home.  I want to ask questions.  I want to ask you about grandpa’s hearing loss, I want to know how it started, I want to know just more about it.

Grandma I need to end this in saying that I know you are around us and at work.  How you got your 4-H papers to Greta, and how you reconnected me and a woman you introduced in my life at Greta’s age.  I know you had a hand in all of this and I thank you.

I will miss you this Christmas but I hope you have a fabulous one with Grandpa in Heaven.  He has waited so many years for this Christmas and I hope you will be together and looking down on your family.

Love your grand-daughter