Month: September 2014

The Big Picture

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speck pictures

Have you ever seen Horton Hears a Who?  It is a cute book, amusing childrens movie and a question that can keep you thinking for days on end.  Are we just a speck?  Are we just this small part of a big picture?  I have been thinking about this since last Wednesday at my Bible Study.  We talked about how we see the toil and strife that affects all of us.  Sometimes it just seems like we can’t get a break.  That is all of us, we are humans.  But when people say the phrase, this is all happening for a reason, is there a reason- a greater picture that this all works together?

I have a hard time getting my head around this at times.  I have had my share of troubles, sleepless nights.  Wondering how is this all going to work out or will it work out.  I think of the big things in my life now.  I think of jobs, money, my kids, IEP’s, hearing loss, a best friend with cancer, lice and the list could go on and on.  I wonder why there just can’t be a break.  Why people can’t just live the simple life, isn’t that the American Dream?  But then I see how some things that have been a roadblock, a problem can work out for the greater good of our family.  Moving to a town where I didn’t know a soul, heck I had never heard of the town before.  Now seven years later I no longer see this as a problem I see this as home.  I have more “family” than I had anywhere I had lived before.  I am more connected now with a church, school and other organizations.  There was a bigger picture and God knew this and he took care of us.  I can go through this whole list and after time has passed and the fog clears my head from the situation I see that there is a greater picture.  I maybe can’t see the whole thing but things do work out.  Things that we don’t understand can sometimes go into focus.

focus picture

So are we just a speck on this piece of paper of life?  All these things happen around us and to us and we have to trust that this big picture will all make sense.  Do I have the answers, NO.  But I trust in God and God knows ALL.  He knows how all these little things, the highs and the lows we will experience in life.  He knows how it will all work together and I have to try and get my simple human mind to accept that.  I don’t understand why there is hurt, why there are children that die, why mom’s get cancer.  I don’t understand, I don’t see the whole picture but I have to trust God does and he knows what is happening.

So listen for that voice, just like Horton heard from the Speck.  God is there for all of us and he cares about each one of us even if we are just this tiny speck in his universe.

Plot Twist

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plot twist

I like order, and I like things planned out whether it is on paper or in my head.  This summer was spent trying to figure out this next year of my life.  What would I do for a job, I longed for a change.  To make a difference in someones life not a sub that floats in and out each day different.  I tried for other jobs and nothing seemed to work out.  I finally took a job and I was excited for it.  The job ended last week after I quit.  I was not disclosed some pretty important information and for that reason I quit.  I felt upset, scared and betrayed.  I had this year planned out in my head and now it is all gone.  I took the week and thought pretty long and hard of what happened and I believe I can just say PLOT TWIST and move on.  Life didn’t go how it was all planned out in my head.  God is the only one that can know our future and he knew this turn was going to take place.

I went back to subbing last week and spent two days at the school.  It felt great catching up with the kids and hearing what they had done for their summer vacations.  It was nice to see staff and say our hello’s.  It wasn’t how I was expecting to spend those days but it was familiar and comfortable.  I still don’t want to be a sub forever.  I need more of a purpose a beginning and end of what I am doing to know that I made a difference on someones life.

Chad, my husband, said to me this weekend “Sara you are pushing 40 it is about time to figure out what you want to do with your life.”  That is so true.  I went to school, then graduated college, obtained a full time job.  Never something I loved but it was an income my desires were to be a wife and a mother.  I was successful on that front and that is what matters most in my life.  I feel this pull now, I am in my research phase now of different career choices.  I get a little nuts when I find a topic I enjoy.  I will stay up till the wee hours of the morning, reading, and making notes.  I am starting to put some feelers out will be doing some work on some different ideas in the next couple weeks.  Maybe it is not in the stars for this path to open up but we will just have to see what happens in my life.

Remember when something happens that you weren’t expecting just yell Plot Twist and move on.  I have done that with moving, having a child diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, hearing loss, and jobs.  Life takes twists and turns you never expect.  Yell Plot Twist or you will dwell in these turns that you will never see the beautiful clearings that you are about to come to: Living in the beautiful prairie, having a son that has taught me to look at the world a little different, meeting friends and learning so much in this past year, being back at the school that is familiar and I am needed.

Life just isn’t a straight line it is like a river that meanders and the slow curves that the water has carved in the banks.

meandering-river

Does Blinging mean Acceptance

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Bling: (Bling or bling-bling) is a slang term popularized in hip hop culture, referring to flashy, ostentatious or elaborate jewelry and ornamented accessories

2014-08-19 03.24.10 We are getting close to the year point that my hearing started dropping and hearing aids were purchased and worn. I grew up in a family that has a history of hearing loss this isn’t a new thing for me. I can remember sitting in the audiologist office in 7th grade and being told I should quit the swim team for fear of further damage on my ears. I can remember running from the doctor’s office crying and not wanting to talk about this information. Small tidbits of the given information from that doctor appointment never fully left my head but was pushed to the back recesses of my brain.

In college I majored in communicative disorders and took a lot of audiology classes. That tidbit would creep up to the surface every once in a while and I would think would this be me someday? Will I be getting fitted for hearing aids in my lifetime? Will I be honest about my hearing loss or try to hide it? Anxiety would creep in when us students would have to give each other a hearing exam. I know I wasn’t hearing the beeps. I never was in the normal zone. Many questions and then college came and went and it would get shoved to the back of my brain once again.

Little things would trigger this thought, walking behind someone and noticing hearing aids I would wonder will people notice me if I am wearing them? I knew my hearing wasn’t great. I had never heard my kids whisper to me or talk from another room everything I was used to from a young age. I don’t ever remember hearing a whisper to tell the truth.

So nearing a year of my hearing aids. When I picked up my first hearing aid I cried. I didn’t think it was going to be that hard. I had people who were sympathetic and then I had people who said I should move to the nursing home, do I get a senior discount now. I was ashamed and I didn’t want ANYONE to know. I wore my hair down and I didn’t want to let anyone in on this secret except family and a few friends and to be honest I had a very hard time with them also.

I researched and I gained friends that were also in the same “boat” as I was. I started to breathe again and was able to see this not as an end of the road but just a different road. I started writing and being a little more vocal about what was going on in my life. This past summer I received a gift of hearing aids that are much more powerful than the one I purchased and they seem to serve me well.

I come back to the definition of BLING. I have these great Starkey hearing aids and they are in a dark brown aka espresso color. I don’t mind them but they needed something more, some pizzazz. I sat down at the table a week ago with some paints and thought I would design them. That just seemed so permanent to me. So I went to my addiction of Pinterest and searched blinging hearing aids. I got the idea of using nail foils on the hearing aids. I bought a pack for $2 and I have enough to bling out the aids probably 4 times. I tried my first time with a butterfly design. I also bought a pack that looks a little like tie-dye. I like the fact that I can take it right off with no residue and start over with a new design. I love the look of them, I love that I am wearing something a little fun just like the bright blue glasses I picked out a couple years ago. In a year I went from scared and hiding to pulling my hair up and showing off butterfly hearing aids. What I loved the most is when I showed my husband he looked at them and said, “Hey those are really cute, great job”. My daughter gushed over them and can’t wait to help me redesign the next time. Am a complete open book, not even close. A few pages maybe have been exposed to some people for now. But for now I will wear my hair anyway I please, not care if people notice hearing aids or ear molds. I will design them and wear them and show them off.  I also have a remote and streaming device that just looks so plain and a solid color. Maybe that needs a little blinging out also.

2014-08-22 13.16.44

So maybe blinging means some acceptance. Showing something off instead of hiding it. Blinging lets the world see that you are in acceptance and even inviting a question or comment. If someone wants to ask me about them, that is just fine.

just be yourself