A while back I noticed the Deaf Expo was coming to the Twin Cities. This excited me greatly. A friend of mine (hard of hearing) had attended the Deaf Expo in her state and she said it was an awesome experience and something she wished … Continue reading Stuck Between Two Worlds
Almost two weeks ago I went away for 2 days. First off this is so unconventional for me. When I took my marriage vows almost 16 years ago I became a couple. Then kids came and our family was born. We do everything together. If … Continue reading I Found My Tribe
Christmas has come and gone. We have traveled across the state for six days and now returned home. During my time to the Twin Cities I made an appt for a hearing aid repair at Starkey Hearing Labs. I love my Starkey aids but living … Continue reading When a Hearing Aid Repair Feels Like A Celebrity Sighting
This past month I have felt like this a lot. I have felt like I am drowning. Yes I try to be the optimist, the glass is half full type of girl. I just can’t keep that up all the time. I can’t keep the smile on my face that everything is fine and everything is great. I am the glue that tries to keep it all together in my family but lately I am having a hard time doing this.
I finally confided in my husband and told him that I am really having a hard time keeping it all together lately. I feel like I am drowning and I am sick of keeping the smile on my face when I miss half a conversation and have no idea what someone said to me when they walk up to me at school or church. I am sick of working so hard to understand all that is being said. I am just sick and tired of life being hard.
Everyone has troubles in their lives and I try not to ever be a person that says well my troubles are worse than your troubles. I hate when someone says, “At least it is not cancer.” Yes I am glad of that also but guess what hearing loss, a son on the autism spectrum, anxiety, and so on isn’t that great either. Everyone has trials in their lives, let them grieve and work through their trials. Don’t discount it that a problem isn’t big enough, in their life it is a mountain.
My husbands employer has this new health insurance hoops you have to jump through. We have to do an online health assessment and then talk to a health advisor. I am fine with this until they talked to me about the stress and anxiety aspect. 1st off they knew of the hearing loss since that was one of the questions I had to answer. They asked why I have stress. I told them I walk into a building and I always feel off guard at first if I will understand people talking to me and understand what is being said there. Their answer was deep breathing and I just need to believe and tell myself that everything is good and I can hear it all. REALLY- I was hoping for some relaxation techniques. I informed them I can’t make the hearing loss go away so in reality I am not going to hear it all. They came back with I can tell myself I hear fine and that will take care of the stress. Wow I didn’t know how to respond. If this is what the insurance companies are going to tell us we can will all our troubles and our worlds troubles away.
I work at the school as a substitute teacher. It seems to be getting harder and harder in some ways. I like certain classrooms a lot, I like the high school. I know I can hear decent in them and I know I won’t run into problems. But the hallways, lunchroom, and the elementary school I just want to run away. I feel like the air is being squeezed out of me. I hate it and there is no way I can hear anything. The elementary school is like a horror movie for me. Little voices and always a sea of background noise I just cringe going in there. This past week I was to work at the elementary school Monday and Tuesday. I felt sick all weekend even thinking about these two days. I don’t know what my negative feelings did but we ended up getting an early November snowstorm, we received over a foot of snow. SNOW DAY on Monday and two hours late on Tuesday. My prayers were answered!!! I hate that I dread going to work or certain places. I hate that I have this sense of failure of events coming up.
I just need to get over these feelings. I will, I am not worried about it. I will learn some new coping techniques. I am trying to learn speech reading which I really believe will be a huge asset to me. I need to reach out to the friends that I know will be there when there is a bad day and understand. I need to speak up, I need to say what I need instead of saying sorry like I was a problem.
It is going to be a long winter I am afraid. This will be my winter to learn new things. Maybe just maybe when spring comes again I will have some new skills and instead of this drowning feeling I am having I will be having a sense of renewal, just like my tulips coming up to see the sun.
This weekend was one of friends and family. I had so much fun this weekend I don’t want it to end. First this weekend had a lot of fear in me. The kids had their Tae Kwon Do tournament, last year my hearing took a dive on this weekend. I was starting to get nervous would history repeat itself? The tournament was on, the movie we watched that night and I was so scared because I couldn’t hear it, part 2 of the movie was on this weekend. What are the odd’s? I was getting really scared and nervous and reached out to a friend of mine. This friend was my ASL (American Sign Language) teacher. We became friends and I vented to her. She ended up coming with me to the tournament and we had a fabulous day! We were both a tad nervous about hanging out, would we get along, would the kids like this, would there be a communication barrier, were all things I though about. All these things were unneeded worry. We had a great day. I got to hang out with another wonderful friend also. Her daughter is just a doll, love her like a daughter. You will see her in some of these pictures also. Greta helped at the tournament and Henry competed. He ended up getting 3rd place in his forms and 1st place in sparring. Here are some pictures from our day our Saturday.
Sunday is a family day in my mind. Today we had lunch together then a day off playing for the kids and watching some Sons of Anarchy for Chad and I. This evening we went to a Halloween party for our 4H group. What a fun evening. We met out a an old Town Hall building. Think one room school house. There was pumpkin carving, sscavengerhunt, a potluck supper, and lots of playing. Here are some pictures from tonight. Greta was dressed at Katniss from Hunger Games and Henry was superman and then stripped that off and he was wearing all camo under there so an army man.
I hope you all had great weekends and I hope that wonderful feeling I have now will carry on through the whole week.
As I look at the calendar I start to get tense and look back at this past year and I marvel of all the changes that have been made. This upcoming weekend is the Tae Kwon Do tournament when I noticed the crowd was more hushed, I noticed I couldn’t hear a TV, or my kid’s voices. I am not sure at this moment my hearing dropped or it was slowly dropping and it kind of hit me on this weekend. Either way it has been a learning curve with hearing aids, and accepting this new normal.
I look at this past year and I thought I would make a list of 10 things I have noticed and learned. I was able to get a hold of my audiogram from 1996 when I was 19 years old. I was in college and attending the University of Wisconsin and studying Communicative Disorders. I had a conductive loss at a 30-35db loss. Which in all reality I could have been wearing hearing aids back then. I am now 37 and I have a mixed loss that ranges from a 60-90db loss. That is a big difference. Will it change from this point, I don’t know but if it does I know there will be frustrations but I feel I will be better equipped to handle it.
So here is my list of 10 things I have learned this past year. I wonder what my list will look like in another year.
Months ago it seems I was approached by this wonderful woman in our area to write an article for her magazine. Kathy, a friend, started and runs a woman’s ministry called Best Life Ministry. She is based out in Western Minnesota but will travel to put on weekend retreats which can change lives.
So we are back to this past summer. I was asked to write an article about being a hard of hearing mother that is a woman of faith. Ok that title fits me now to get the words to paper. This was mid summer and as any mom knows summers with kids are nuts. We have swimming, camps, playmates, vacations and company. I knew this article would be shoved back to the back recesses of my brain and the deadline date would come and go. I sat down that night and thought and prayed and typed. I typed just the surface of what it is like. I talked about when my hearing took a dive, how I felt and how I reacted. I was used to a mild loss I had since what I believe was childhood but was confirmed by an audiologist in my late teens. This was a whole different game. I was lost and confused, I literally felt like I was drowning. I wrote these feelings down and how they relate to me being a mom. I feel it is all related, how can it not be. It doesn’t have to be a bad or negative thing but it is me.
I didn’t forget about the magazine but when months past it isn’t in the immediate present and other life things fill these spaces. Last week I was presented a copy of the magazine. Oh My Gosh to see my name in print was breath taking. I couldn’t believe it. I felt numb I didn’t know what to think or do. It was so cool. I actually thought back to 5th grade. I had written a short story and it was published in a book that was a collection of short stories and poems by other Minnesota young artists. At that time I was invited to the St Paul Landmark Center and read my story. It was an awesome experience. Just like this was seeing my name in print on glossy paper that held my words and my thoughts. I am so thankful for being able to share.
I pray that my words may touch one person. They may not be hard of hearing or deaf but have another life challenge they are dealing with at this time. I pray they can see that there is support out there. A challenge isn’t a bad thing. It can propel you to do great things. It is who you are.
I love to write, I admit I may not be great at it but I love it. I tend to be a shy person but I am really trying to be more outgoing but writing I don’t feel the need to hold back. My feelings, fears, and dreams can be written down and I can choose to share them or not. They are my words. I hope I will have some more chances to write in the future. I love this blog so this won’t be going away. I was asked last month to write an article or two for a nationwide newsletter that deals with hearing. I responded a big YES to the editor so I will see what comes to be. To write makes my soul feel free. To get out was was harbored is a feeling of freedom that I don’t take for granted. What I do here many people don’t have the right to do. We are lucky, very lucky indeed.
Have a blessed day and find a place your name can be in print. It may not be in the ink of a paper but the handshake of a neighbor you helped, or the nail you pounded on a project. We can all make a difference and leave our mark somehow, somewhere.
Have you ever seen Horton Hears a Who? It is a cute book, amusing childrens movie and a question that can keep you thinking for days on end. Are we just a speck? Are we just this small part of a big picture? I have been thinking about this since last Wednesday at my Bible Study. We talked about how we see the toil and strife that affects all of us. Sometimes it just seems like we can’t get a break. That is all of us, we are humans. But when people say the phrase, this is all happening for a reason, is there a reason- a greater picture that this all works together?
I have a hard time getting my head around this at times. I have had my share of troubles, sleepless nights. Wondering how is this all going to work out or will it work out. I think of the big things in my life now. I think of jobs, money, my kids, IEP’s, hearing loss, a best friend with cancer, lice and the list could go on and on. I wonder why there just can’t be a break. Why people can’t just live the simple life, isn’t that the American Dream? But then I see how some things that have been a roadblock, a problem can work out for the greater good of our family. Moving to a town where I didn’t know a soul, heck I had never heard of the town before. Now seven years later I no longer see this as a problem I see this as home. I have more “family” than I had anywhere I had lived before. I am more connected now with a church, school and other organizations. There was a bigger picture and God knew this and he took care of us. I can go through this whole list and after time has passed and the fog clears my head from the situation I see that there is a greater picture. I maybe can’t see the whole thing but things do work out. Things that we don’t understand can sometimes go into focus.
So are we just a speck on this piece of paper of life? All these things happen around us and to us and we have to trust that this big picture will all make sense. Do I have the answers, NO. But I trust in God and God knows ALL. He knows how all these little things, the highs and the lows we will experience in life. He knows how it will all work together and I have to try and get my simple human mind to accept that. I don’t understand why there is hurt, why there are children that die, why mom’s get cancer. I don’t understand, I don’t see the whole picture but I have to trust God does and he knows what is happening.
So listen for that voice, just like Horton heard from the Speck. God is there for all of us and he cares about each one of us even if we are just this tiny speck in his universe.
I like order, and I like things planned out whether it is on paper or in my head. This summer was spent trying to figure out this next year of my life. What would I do for a job, I longed for a change. To make a difference in someones life not a sub that floats in and out each day different. I tried for other jobs and nothing seemed to work out. I finally took a job and I was excited for it. The job ended last week after I quit. I was not disclosed some pretty important information and for that reason I quit. I felt upset, scared and betrayed. I had this year planned out in my head and now it is all gone. I took the week and thought pretty long and hard of what happened and I believe I can just say PLOT TWIST and move on. Life didn’t go how it was all planned out in my head. God is the only one that can know our future and he knew this turn was going to take place.
I went back to subbing last week and spent two days at the school. It felt great catching up with the kids and hearing what they had done for their summer vacations. It was nice to see staff and say our hello’s. It wasn’t how I was expecting to spend those days but it was familiar and comfortable. I still don’t want to be a sub forever. I need more of a purpose a beginning and end of what I am doing to know that I made a difference on someones life.
Chad, my husband, said to me this weekend “Sara you are pushing 40 it is about time to figure out what you want to do with your life.” That is so true. I went to school, then graduated college, obtained a full time job. Never something I loved but it was an income my desires were to be a wife and a mother. I was successful on that front and that is what matters most in my life. I feel this pull now, I am in my research phase now of different career choices. I get a little nuts when I find a topic I enjoy. I will stay up till the wee hours of the morning, reading, and making notes. I am starting to put some feelers out will be doing some work on some different ideas in the next couple weeks. Maybe it is not in the stars for this path to open up but we will just have to see what happens in my life.
Remember when something happens that you weren’t expecting just yell Plot Twist and move on. I have done that with moving, having a child diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum, hearing loss, and jobs. Life takes twists and turns you never expect. Yell Plot Twist or you will dwell in these turns that you will never see the beautiful clearings that you are about to come to: Living in the beautiful prairie, having a son that has taught me to look at the world a little different, meeting friends and learning so much in this past year, being back at the school that is familiar and I am needed.
Life just isn’t a straight line it is like a river that meanders and the slow curves that the water has carved in the banks.
Bling: (Bling or bling-bling) is a slang term popularized in hip hop culture, referring to flashy, ostentatious or elaborate jewelry and ornamented accessories
We are getting close to the year point that my hearing started dropping and hearing aids were purchased and worn. I grew up in a family that has a history of hearing loss this isn’t a new thing for me. I can remember sitting in the audiologist office in 7th grade and being told I should quit the swim team for fear of further damage on my ears. I can remember running from the doctor’s office crying and not wanting to talk about this information. Small tidbits of the given information from that doctor appointment never fully left my head but was pushed to the back recesses of my brain.
In college I majored in communicative disorders and took a lot of audiology classes. That tidbit would creep up to the surface every once in a while and I would think would this be me someday? Will I be getting fitted for hearing aids in my lifetime? Will I be honest about my hearing loss or try to hide it? Anxiety would creep in when us students would have to give each other a hearing exam. I know I wasn’t hearing the beeps. I never was in the normal zone. Many questions and then college came and went and it would get shoved to the back of my brain once again.
Little things would trigger this thought, walking behind someone and noticing hearing aids I would wonder will people notice me if I am wearing them? I knew my hearing wasn’t great. I had never heard my kids whisper to me or talk from another room everything I was used to from a young age. I don’t ever remember hearing a whisper to tell the truth.
So nearing a year of my hearing aids. When I picked up my first hearing aid I cried. I didn’t think it was going to be that hard. I had people who were sympathetic and then I had people who said I should move to the nursing home, do I get a senior discount now. I was ashamed and I didn’t want ANYONE to know. I wore my hair down and I didn’t want to let anyone in on this secret except family and a few friends and to be honest I had a very hard time with them also.
I researched and I gained friends that were also in the same “boat” as I was. I started to breathe again and was able to see this not as an end of the road but just a different road. I started writing and being a little more vocal about what was going on in my life. This past summer I received a gift of hearing aids that are much more powerful than the one I purchased and they seem to serve me well.
I come back to the definition of BLING. I have these great Starkey hearing aids and they are in a dark brown aka espresso color. I don’t mind them but they needed something more, some pizzazz. I sat down at the table a week ago with some paints and thought I would design them. That just seemed so permanent to me. So I went to my addiction of Pinterest and searched blinging hearing aids. I got the idea of using nail foils on the hearing aids. I bought a pack for $2 and I have enough to bling out the aids probably 4 times. I tried my first time with a butterfly design. I also bought a pack that looks a little like tie-dye. I like the fact that I can take it right off with no residue and start over with a new design. I love the look of them, I love that I am wearing something a little fun just like the bright blue glasses I picked out a couple years ago. In a year I went from scared and hiding to pulling my hair up and showing off butterfly hearing aids. What I loved the most is when I showed my husband he looked at them and said, “Hey those are really cute, great job”. My daughter gushed over them and can’t wait to help me redesign the next time. Am a complete open book, not even close. A few pages maybe have been exposed to some people for now. But for now I will wear my hair anyway I please, not care if people notice hearing aids or ear molds. I will design them and wear them and show them off. I also have a remote and streaming device that just looks so plain and a solid color. Maybe that needs a little blinging out also.
So maybe blinging means some acceptance. Showing something off instead of hiding it. Blinging lets the world see that you are in acceptance and even inviting a question or comment. If someone wants to ask me about them, that is just fine.
Musings of a Momma 