It is the busy time of summer again called, county fair. Both kids are active in a 4H group and projects had to be made and deadlines were looming. Fair time reminds me a tad of Christmas time. So much to get done and finished … Continue reading Fair Time
This has been a trying season in my life. I strive to keep it all together but you can’t always have that brave face all the time. Yesterday I broke, I let that one tear drop out which burst the dam of emotions open and … Continue reading Don’t Give Up
My husband and I traveled to a beautiful MN resort this past weekend. It was a weekend away, around our 15 year wedding anniversary and we were there to learn. Chad and I went to a conference called 2015 Collaborative Experience for Parents and Professionals … Continue reading Full Access
This little boy is such a joy in my life. He brings laughs, cuddles, and stress. The past few weeks I have had my mind racing. I have been quiet on here and I believe it could be because my mind is on overdrive thinking … Continue reading My Boy
My last blog post was about the movies. I wrote that I am not a big fan of the movies because of the dialog being hard to understand. I am looking forward to trying captions in a movie theater. So what do I do over the Thanksgiving weekend, attend a movie. My husbands birthday was on Black Friday. I partook in the shopping frenzy with my daughter and Mother in-law. We arrived back to my in-laws house to find my husband laying in bed looking bored. Asked him what he wanted to do, he responded the movies. Sure lets go, we have built in babysitters here. Let’s head to the movies.
Instead of going to our local theater we went to a large national chain theater that was nearby. What happened next just shocked us both. I noticed they had a sign for the assistive listening devices, the headphones. They don’t work for me, not enough decibels That was fine I was doing this for my husband. We went to go get some popcorn (which is way to expensive) and there was a manager standing there. My husband looked at me and suggested we ask him if they happen to have captions available. His answer should have been a simple NO. The answer we got was “No, captions are a pain. You need to have paperwork and signatures. It is a pain to try and please everyone.” I was shocked to say the least and my husband was mad. We just looked at each other in amazement and went into the movie. I couldn’t get this out of my head. Would this manager dare say to some individual in a wheelchair that it is a pain to have a ramp or a row of seats that they could fit into. I ended up leaving the movie to go back out to talk to the manager. I wanted to know what this paperwork was, did I have to fill something out? When asked this their response was, “No, it is just a pain and we have nothing to offer you.” I inquired about the assistive listening devices wondering if they even had them and again I was told, “we have nothing to offer you.”
How do I deal with this? It has been near a week and I am still in shock. I have worked at numerous jobs where I deal with people and customer service. I would never dare tell someone that they are a pain and what they are asking for is burdensome. I am really hoping that this manager was shocked by the amount of people at the movies that day and was just stressed. I really hope he doesn’t have this attitude all the time. I wanted to give the theater time to respond before I take this further. I want to hope this was a huge misunderstanding and there would be an apology.
I tried to contact the theater, they don’t make it easy. Their website has a form to fill out and a manager will get back to me within 2-3 days. Been a week haven’t heard a word. Tried to call the theater, can’t get a regular person on the line. I wrote a letter to the editor of the paper alerting them and educating them about this, hasn’t been published…yet. I have now written a letter to the corporate offices for this theater chain. They have no working email or phone number that you can contact them with. Snail mail will have to do in this circumstance.
An experiment will be taking place this weekend. I have a good friend who is deaf. She communicates with me by voicing and reading lips. I am trying to learn more sign, so we can talk through sign. Her husband is a sign language interpreter. They are going to go to the same movie theater as we did. She is not going to voice only use ASL with her husband. They are going to inquire if they have captions available at this movie theater. Do they have anything they could offer her to use. We are very interested in what the outcome will be. I hope that I had a stressed out manager and they will be given good customer service, only time will tell. I am hoping for a simple NO, we don’t offer them at this time. We do have headphones you could try and use.
I want to give the theater time to respond before I take this further but with each passing day my blood is seeming to boil a tad bit more. I wonder what A Day at the Movies Part 3 will have to say.
This past month I have felt like this a lot. I have felt like I am drowning. Yes I try to be the optimist, the glass is half full type of girl. I just can’t keep that up all the time. I can’t keep the smile on my face that everything is fine and everything is great. I am the glue that tries to keep it all together in my family but lately I am having a hard time doing this.
I finally confided in my husband and told him that I am really having a hard time keeping it all together lately. I feel like I am drowning and I am sick of keeping the smile on my face when I miss half a conversation and have no idea what someone said to me when they walk up to me at school or church. I am sick of working so hard to understand all that is being said. I am just sick and tired of life being hard.
Everyone has troubles in their lives and I try not to ever be a person that says well my troubles are worse than your troubles. I hate when someone says, “At least it is not cancer.” Yes I am glad of that also but guess what hearing loss, a son on the autism spectrum, anxiety, and so on isn’t that great either. Everyone has trials in their lives, let them grieve and work through their trials. Don’t discount it that a problem isn’t big enough, in their life it is a mountain.
My husbands employer has this new health insurance hoops you have to jump through. We have to do an online health assessment and then talk to a health advisor. I am fine with this until they talked to me about the stress and anxiety aspect. 1st off they knew of the hearing loss since that was one of the questions I had to answer. They asked why I have stress. I told them I walk into a building and I always feel off guard at first if I will understand people talking to me and understand what is being said there. Their answer was deep breathing and I just need to believe and tell myself that everything is good and I can hear it all. REALLY- I was hoping for some relaxation techniques. I informed them I can’t make the hearing loss go away so in reality I am not going to hear it all. They came back with I can tell myself I hear fine and that will take care of the stress. Wow I didn’t know how to respond. If this is what the insurance companies are going to tell us we can will all our troubles and our worlds troubles away.
I work at the school as a substitute teacher. It seems to be getting harder and harder in some ways. I like certain classrooms a lot, I like the high school. I know I can hear decent in them and I know I won’t run into problems. But the hallways, lunchroom, and the elementary school I just want to run away. I feel like the air is being squeezed out of me. I hate it and there is no way I can hear anything. The elementary school is like a horror movie for me. Little voices and always a sea of background noise I just cringe going in there. This past week I was to work at the elementary school Monday and Tuesday. I felt sick all weekend even thinking about these two days. I don’t know what my negative feelings did but we ended up getting an early November snowstorm, we received over a foot of snow. SNOW DAY on Monday and two hours late on Tuesday. My prayers were answered!!! I hate that I dread going to work or certain places. I hate that I have this sense of failure of events coming up.
I just need to get over these feelings. I will, I am not worried about it. I will learn some new coping techniques. I am trying to learn speech reading which I really believe will be a huge asset to me. I need to reach out to the friends that I know will be there when there is a bad day and understand. I need to speak up, I need to say what I need instead of saying sorry like I was a problem.
It is going to be a long winter I am afraid. This will be my winter to learn new things. Maybe just maybe when spring comes again I will have some new skills and instead of this drowning feeling I am having I will be having a sense of renewal, just like my tulips coming up to see the sun.
This weekend was one of friends and family. I had so much fun this weekend I don’t want it to end. First this weekend had a lot of fear in me. The kids had their Tae Kwon Do tournament, last year my hearing took a dive on this weekend. I was starting to get nervous would history repeat itself? The tournament was on, the movie we watched that night and I was so scared because I couldn’t hear it, part 2 of the movie was on this weekend. What are the odd’s? I was getting really scared and nervous and reached out to a friend of mine. This friend was my ASL (American Sign Language) teacher. We became friends and I vented to her. She ended up coming with me to the tournament and we had a fabulous day! We were both a tad nervous about hanging out, would we get along, would the kids like this, would there be a communication barrier, were all things I though about. All these things were unneeded worry. We had a great day. I got to hang out with another wonderful friend also. Her daughter is just a doll, love her like a daughter. You will see her in some of these pictures also. Greta helped at the tournament and Henry competed. He ended up getting 3rd place in his forms and 1st place in sparring. Here are some pictures from our day our Saturday.
Sunday is a family day in my mind. Today we had lunch together then a day off playing for the kids and watching some Sons of Anarchy for Chad and I. This evening we went to a Halloween party for our 4H group. What a fun evening. We met out a an old Town Hall building. Think one room school house. There was pumpkin carving, sscavengerhunt, a potluck supper, and lots of playing. Here are some pictures from tonight. Greta was dressed at Katniss from Hunger Games and Henry was superman and then stripped that off and he was wearing all camo under there so an army man.
I hope you all had great weekends and I hope that wonderful feeling I have now will carry on through the whole week.
As I look at the calendar I start to get tense and look back at this past year and I marvel of all the changes that have been made. This upcoming weekend is the Tae Kwon Do tournament when I noticed the crowd was more hushed, I noticed I couldn’t hear a TV, or my kid’s voices. I am not sure at this moment my hearing dropped or it was slowly dropping and it kind of hit me on this weekend. Either way it has been a learning curve with hearing aids, and accepting this new normal.
I look at this past year and I thought I would make a list of 10 things I have noticed and learned. I was able to get a hold of my audiogram from 1996 when I was 19 years old. I was in college and attending the University of Wisconsin and studying Communicative Disorders. I had a conductive loss at a 30-35db loss. Which in all reality I could have been wearing hearing aids back then. I am now 37 and I have a mixed loss that ranges from a 60-90db loss. That is a big difference. Will it change from this point, I don’t know but if it does I know there will be frustrations but I feel I will be better equipped to handle it.
So here is my list of 10 things I have learned this past year. I wonder what my list will look like in another year.
Months ago it seems I was approached by this wonderful woman in our area to write an article for her magazine. Kathy, a friend, started and runs a woman’s ministry called Best Life Ministry. She is based out in Western Minnesota but will travel to put on weekend retreats which can change lives.
So we are back to this past summer. I was asked to write an article about being a hard of hearing mother that is a woman of faith. Ok that title fits me now to get the words to paper. This was mid summer and as any mom knows summers with kids are nuts. We have swimming, camps, playmates, vacations and company. I knew this article would be shoved back to the back recesses of my brain and the deadline date would come and go. I sat down that night and thought and prayed and typed. I typed just the surface of what it is like. I talked about when my hearing took a dive, how I felt and how I reacted. I was used to a mild loss I had since what I believe was childhood but was confirmed by an audiologist in my late teens. This was a whole different game. I was lost and confused, I literally felt like I was drowning. I wrote these feelings down and how they relate to me being a mom. I feel it is all related, how can it not be. It doesn’t have to be a bad or negative thing but it is me.
I didn’t forget about the magazine but when months past it isn’t in the immediate present and other life things fill these spaces. Last week I was presented a copy of the magazine. Oh My Gosh to see my name in print was breath taking. I couldn’t believe it. I felt numb I didn’t know what to think or do. It was so cool. I actually thought back to 5th grade. I had written a short story and it was published in a book that was a collection of short stories and poems by other Minnesota young artists. At that time I was invited to the St Paul Landmark Center and read my story. It was an awesome experience. Just like this was seeing my name in print on glossy paper that held my words and my thoughts. I am so thankful for being able to share.
I pray that my words may touch one person. They may not be hard of hearing or deaf but have another life challenge they are dealing with at this time. I pray they can see that there is support out there. A challenge isn’t a bad thing. It can propel you to do great things. It is who you are.
I love to write, I admit I may not be great at it but I love it. I tend to be a shy person but I am really trying to be more outgoing but writing I don’t feel the need to hold back. My feelings, fears, and dreams can be written down and I can choose to share them or not. They are my words. I hope I will have some more chances to write in the future. I love this blog so this won’t be going away. I was asked last month to write an article or two for a nationwide newsletter that deals with hearing. I responded a big YES to the editor so I will see what comes to be. To write makes my soul feel free. To get out was was harbored is a feeling of freedom that I don’t take for granted. What I do here many people don’t have the right to do. We are lucky, very lucky indeed.
Have a blessed day and find a place your name can be in print. It may not be in the ink of a paper but the handshake of a neighbor you helped, or the nail you pounded on a project. We can all make a difference and leave our mark somehow, somewhere.
Have you ever seen Horton Hears a Who? It is a cute book, amusing childrens movie and a question that can keep you thinking for days on end. Are we just a speck? Are we just this small part of a big picture? I have been thinking about this since last Wednesday at my Bible Study. We talked about how we see the toil and strife that affects all of us. Sometimes it just seems like we can’t get a break. That is all of us, we are humans. But when people say the phrase, this is all happening for a reason, is there a reason- a greater picture that this all works together?
I have a hard time getting my head around this at times. I have had my share of troubles, sleepless nights. Wondering how is this all going to work out or will it work out. I think of the big things in my life now. I think of jobs, money, my kids, IEP’s, hearing loss, a best friend with cancer, lice and the list could go on and on. I wonder why there just can’t be a break. Why people can’t just live the simple life, isn’t that the American Dream? But then I see how some things that have been a roadblock, a problem can work out for the greater good of our family. Moving to a town where I didn’t know a soul, heck I had never heard of the town before. Now seven years later I no longer see this as a problem I see this as home. I have more “family” than I had anywhere I had lived before. I am more connected now with a church, school and other organizations. There was a bigger picture and God knew this and he took care of us. I can go through this whole list and after time has passed and the fog clears my head from the situation I see that there is a greater picture. I maybe can’t see the whole thing but things do work out. Things that we don’t understand can sometimes go into focus.
So are we just a speck on this piece of paper of life? All these things happen around us and to us and we have to trust that this big picture will all make sense. Do I have the answers, NO. But I trust in God and God knows ALL. He knows how all these little things, the highs and the lows we will experience in life. He knows how it will all work together and I have to try and get my simple human mind to accept that. I don’t understand why there is hurt, why there are children that die, why mom’s get cancer. I don’t understand, I don’t see the whole picture but I have to trust God does and he knows what is happening.
So listen for that voice, just like Horton heard from the Speck. God is there for all of us and he cares about each one of us even if we are just this tiny speck in his universe.
Musings of a Momma 